Choices

We're faced with choices everyday.  What we choose determines the direction we'll end up.  One of my favorite Chinese proverbs says just that: "Choose a habit, determine your destiny".  So true.

I've been an aching, regular pain-in-the-butt person to my WBH for a while.  Here he is: jumping around.

  Not all the time- but quite often.  I felt like he'd only call or email or sms me if I did first.  I felt like I was basically just dragging him along.  I did initiate our relationship- so sometimes I'd just feel really terrible, like things weren't working out and wouldn't work out.  We haven't seen each other for nearly 2 years (Sept 26, 2008 was the last time we saw each other) and sometimes the time, the distance just makes it tougher.  I have to accept what he says as true.  I have to trust.  I have to trust that he hasn't gotten married or had a string of girl friends while he's been gone.  I have to trust that he really made the choice to commit to me- and I have to trust that he's really coming back.  Honestly, it's not been easy.  But here we are, nearly three years of being engaged and being several thousand miles away from each other- thanks to Skype. 

Anyhow, sometimes I would be fuming at him. Fuming that he didn't come on. Fuming that he never texted. Fuming that it's so hard to get him to answer emails. Hurt that he'd say I'm like a "wall", being very "difficult" and "annoying" and that I was wasting his time when we'd actually get to talk.  That hurt me a lot too.  I've cried more times than I can count and thought long and hard about the choice I've made to marry him.  It was easy to make the choice based on just what I've known him as (besides, my dad approved!), but it's been hard to accept my choice knowing how different our plans are.

I often ask myself, "Will I be regretting this choice? Aren't I a fool to give up being around everyone and everything I've loved and all those who've loved me and stood by me for this one person?"  And often the answers do not come.  I'd cry and pray, and pray.  A few days ago my prayers and questions were answered.  I had a good, long talk with a wonderful friend and mentor of mine.  She was reminding me that we make choices everyday- and we can make the choice to either have relationships which are happy, thankful, and actually based on love - or have relationships which are in the guise of love- but are actually just filled with lust, jealousy, anger, and resentment.  She was telling me how many people like to give their friends or partners the "cold treatment"- but if they really loved that other person- would they actually want them to suffer in that way through their "cold treatment"?

We spoke about many things.  But after that I was feeling ashamed of myself.  Ashamed for doubting. Ashamed for being so cold and really like a wall at times.  Ashamed for thinking so many bad things about different people.  I want to live a life of real love, of real happiness- where I can actually love and care for others without needing them.  I want to have relationships with other people which will last and which are not based on how good they look or how they treat me now or later.  With prayers- my choice shall be blessed and will become a reality.

Ps. I was especially ashamed of how I've behaved when I talked to WBH and apologized about how cold I'd been so often.  Of course I know he's got his faults and quirks- but so do I.  I'm lucky and thankful for him.  (Hopefully we make the right choices so that 10, 20, 30 etc years down the road we can still be saying this!)